Hi

Today I am thinking...

-I used to feel this crazy anger at GWB Jr. In '04 when he said that marriage would be severing it's cultural and natural roots and weakening the good influence of society if we allowed gays to marry..when I watched all these people dying in Iraq and him going on endless vacations, the once upon a time looks I considered to be smug but now, in retrospect, seem nothing more than the looks of a fumbling jester. All of that created an inexplicable rage inside of me. Today I feel none of that. When I watched the shoe get thrown at him and his subsequent ducking, I couldn't help but wonder at what we have become, and how, when the highest office in this nation has become not much short of a joke, and to be held with so little respect. Surely, it's partly Bush's fault, but god, haven't we been headed that way for some time? Wag your finger and say, "I have not had sexual relations with that woman". Oh, Bill. Oh, Starr. Oh, Bush. What have you done to our hallowed halls? Anyway, today, I feel a pity for GWB JR...like, a true sorrow, as if I was a parent, I want to take him into my arms and cradle him like a child. Am I wrong for it?

-Christmas cards are going out late this year. It's just how I roll. Slow. Procrastinator. Especially when it comes to snail mail.

-I'm doing this thing that involves much self criticism-true self criticism in all it's ugliness. It is exhausting and kinda draining. But the reward of it...a renewed energy, a different kind of energy? So worth it. After I'm done, though we can never be done with that kind of self discovery I don't think, I'm going to even it out by listing and fully embracing all my strengths, the good and great things about me. And I'm going to do it without feeling boastful or humble.

-I just barely watched Kung Fu Panda! It was AWESOME! And I'm not really into animated movies. There IS a secret. It's not nothing, it's not yourself, it's love. You have to love yourself to truly see yourself and believe in yourself as the Panda finally did when he figured out the secret. Tai Lung didn't love himself, so when he opened the scroll and saw only his reflection, he couldn't take in the "secret". Anyway. I don't know. It was good. I especially like the part when the turtle said, "you often find your destiny on the path you took to avoid it". (paraphrase) Great messages and philosophies all around...

-Is Christmas seriously only a few days away? Let me tell you how much shopping I've done. None. ;-) Oh well, I'm only getting stuff for the kids so it won't be hard. My whole family will be here next week, except for Scot and Zach. But I'm breathing normal.

-I've been to church more times in the last month than all my life (okay, that might be a bit of an exagerration) and I'm not religious. But wow, it feels...I can't even describe it. Peaceful. Super love the choir. Like, so much. It's my favorite part. I am 100% agnostic. I don't believe there is proof in existence to prove the existence of any god and my battles with faith and god, throughout life after adolescence, have been constant and consistent. If I could snap my fingers and believe, I would, because the promise of the heavens described in so many religions is far more attractive than hell or nothing. But. My brain moves around too much. I question too much. I envy believers their unwavering faith.

-On the same note as above, I am in absolute love with the song, "Your Grace is Enough". I don't know how many times I've listened to it, but it's been many. What happens is this-all the people at Lakewood stand up when it's time to worship (sing) and these songs come on and they clap and they roar and they whisper and they just love, if even only in that moment-in those two hours. To be surrounded by hundreds, thousands of people, who have come together to share a common but almost rare love...is what induces the peaceful feelings. It would be nice if the purpose of those two hours stayed with everyone after they walk out the huge glass doors and into the harsh realities of life but it can't always be that way and I'm coming to learn that I can't, or shouldn't, look to the person on my side and wonder if they are able to live in accordance to their belief..if they are able to live true and without hypocrisy. That's my problem with religion. I wonder too much about others and how they are able to really believe. What did Aslan say in Narnia...something like, "Child, I'm telling you your story, not theirs. I tell no one any story but their own." Why? Essentially, it's no one else's business.

-Whenever I spell business, my mind says busy ness. It has something to do with a lower level form of autodidactism, possibly.

-Tonight, I'm getting arty. I have a little suitcase full of art supplies and I'm taking it out and starting something at the dining room table. Who knows what. I am filled with anticipation for it. Probably because I'm at my mother's house and she is SOOO arty, crafty, whatever you call it. You know those pretty decorated Christmas balls people buy for their tree? Well, my mom buys the PLAIN balls and decorates them herself, among other countless things. I'd be willing to bet that most of her stuff is handmade. She salt doughs, sews, crochets, paints, scrapbooks. I don't even know what else. Lots of stuff..and all going on at the same time. It's a bit overwhelming. And kind of messy, frankly.

-I'm JUST now reading Audacity For Hope and am a tiny bit ashamed to say that and to say that it's hard going (his first book was easier). In fact, I've only gotten past the first few pages. But there is one line that was a "wowza" and has probably already been said in any one of Obama's number of speeches and I just didn't remember. ...a tradition based on the simple idea that we have a stake in one another, and that what binds us together is greater than what drives us apart, and that if enough people believe in the truth of that proposition and act on it, then we might not solve every problem, but we can get something meaningful done." I love him.

-There is a family...four of them, in which their actions done to another, evil in my mind, should unleash a rage in me that is unequaled to any other I have experienced and yet, I can't summon it. And I have tried. There are moments, spurts of anger, moments when I envision saying this or doing that, trying to fix the unfixable some way, some how..but they pass quickly. I am not questioning why. But to quote a friend who quoted a friend, Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place to wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. For her, I believe this because I know she is petrified that justice will not be be paid in the here and now.

-This seems like it's getting very long or already is but it's hard to tell in this small box.

-Dude, wtf is up with Kenneth Starr? I didn't know he was all up in the Prop 8 mess. Why does he not just go away and live life quietly? "The will of the people...." heh. Which people.

-I hit another car yesterday and it scared the shit out of me. I've never done that before. It wasn't bad, I was only going about 10 mph. My license plate came off and their door was dented, closer towards the tire. When I got out of the car and went to them, it was two teenage girls and the driver was crying, I felt so horrible because she was saying, "they're going to be so mad at me", talking about her parents. It was totally my fault and I thought I was going to have to regulate on her stepdad, who she called to come. When she was first saying that, my mind jumped to the possibilities, "why would he be mad, what kind of dude is this guy that he would be mad at his kid for getting into an accident, she seems scared of him, why, why, why, can I get the whole story from her eyes". And, 2 seconds later, my mind said, "shut up dude, it's a teenager and a common reaction from a teenager to think her parents, the misplaced enemy at this point in life, are going to be mad at her." Progress. The stepdad came, I immediately told him it was my fault and he was just glad we were all okay.

-That up there ^^^? Karma, maybe. The night before it happened, Jesse and I were bullshitting-that can't sleep late night kind of talking- I don't even remember the subject and he said something about killing me (he was totally kidding), or something to that effect and I said, "well, I've always thought that I was going to die young, so you better hurry up and do it" and then.."great, now I'm probably going to get into a car accident and die on the way to Houston tomorrow". I joke too much about that shit. I've been in a couple of car accidents, never anything serious and never anything that was my fault, until yesterday. But still, it was weird. Because I had decided at the last minute not to go to Houston because it was just for a friend's birthday party and the appeal of going out, drinking and whatever all night, was small. And I felt too proud of myself, possibly, that there was no appeal. I don't know what I'm trying to say or if I'm saying it right. But it was kind of like, "hi, katherine, you're not invincible". And no, I didn't see my life flash before my eyes or have some great epiphany. But! It did cause a little shaking of the hands as were exchanging information.

-Smile. Laugh. It feels good. Even if it starts out fake, it might end up real. Promise. oooo's to everyone.