Jesse irritates me to no end. It's like...everything is wrong, to me. The other day, we went to lunch, right? I thought it couldn't go wrong. We're sitting there, eating our crunchy appetizer and he puts his hands over the side of the table and wipes them together to get the crumbs off, I guess. He does this like 4 times before I finally ask him if he needs a napkin. He says "no, I like to do it this way, it's easier". I just kind of looked at him before I said, "easier for you, not easier for the server who has to clean up after you". He laughed. He knew I was annoyed. Then he continued to do it like 50 million more times. And every time he did, my eyes went to his hand, then to his eyes, and his eyes were watching me. So he knew. For sure. I honestly think he likes to irritate me. And what's more, I think he thinks I like it. And I don't. Why do I think that? Because he CONSTANLY argues with me. About nothing. When he took me home, the same day we had lunch..he made a wrong turn. I told him he couldn't go a certain way because a bridge is out by my house ever since it flooded like forever go. He says, "no, I'm pretty sure they fixed it". Bitch, please! It's by MY house! Where I live! As we drive by the broken bridge, "oh, I guess you're right". No shit, Sherlock.
Why does everything he does irritate me? He tries to talk to me when we're out and there's live music. I cannot hear what he's saying even when his lips are pressed against my ear. I tell him that. Over and over. But he still does it. He constantly asks me to spend the night at his house, which I've said OVER and OVER I don't want to do because he has 3 kids. I don't want to meet them and I certainly don't want to meet them in the morning after having spent the night. And it's not that I don't like kids, it's that I know I'm not trying to get significantly involved with Jesse so I don't want to get significantly involved with his kids.
I really need to stop hanging out with him.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Value
The other day my mind started wandering and I wondered, "what is your value, Katherine, what do you do to make your life worthy?" It really set off a score of thoughts. If I stood next to my sister, Stacey, and only one of us could be saved from death, who should be chosen and why? I started comparing our lives...and I did this on and on and on with different people I know. In each scenario, my value was less. The most immediate factor in the decision was that I have no kids and no spouse. Almost everyone I know have children and spouses who depend upon and love them. Their lives would be diminished with the loss of their parent or lover.
So then, I thought, "well what do I do that contributes to society?" I work. As a server. Most of my friends are housewives and don't work and the others are servers or managers. So, I won a little bit in this category...but really, my measly taxes contribute very little to this world. And, in the grand of scheme of things, I actually lose because I'm not raising a child who will one day contribute. BUT! I'm pretty good about giving money to the homeless and firemen. Heh.
On to, "what do I do that contributes to the world of people?" Not much. A lot less that I can could and should. Stand me next to my friend, kellyg, and there wouldn't be a second pause on who to save. This woman contributes to the world of people in ways that awe me. I am awed by her and her attitude about life..
Which led me to, "Do I enjoy life, do I make the most of it and feel fulfilled?" Nope, not really. Basically, I exist. I am here. Usually angry, sometimes sad and very rarely just purely glad or happy. Don't get me wrong. I'm not a Debbie Downer. I get happy and glad for people who are happy and glad. It's just not a point that has been reachable for me.
Where am I going with all of this? I don't know. Random thoughts drift in and out..they take their time...playing pictures in my mind.
My life is not of much worth (this is a fact, this is not a pity party) and certainly not when I stand next to others. This, I need to change. Because I know, and am aware-nothing should be stopping me, not even my past. So, let's see.
So then, I thought, "well what do I do that contributes to society?" I work. As a server. Most of my friends are housewives and don't work and the others are servers or managers. So, I won a little bit in this category...but really, my measly taxes contribute very little to this world. And, in the grand of scheme of things, I actually lose because I'm not raising a child who will one day contribute. BUT! I'm pretty good about giving money to the homeless and firemen. Heh.
On to, "what do I do that contributes to the world of people?" Not much. A lot less that I can could and should. Stand me next to my friend, kellyg, and there wouldn't be a second pause on who to save. This woman contributes to the world of people in ways that awe me. I am awed by her and her attitude about life..
Which led me to, "Do I enjoy life, do I make the most of it and feel fulfilled?" Nope, not really. Basically, I exist. I am here. Usually angry, sometimes sad and very rarely just purely glad or happy. Don't get me wrong. I'm not a Debbie Downer. I get happy and glad for people who are happy and glad. It's just not a point that has been reachable for me.
Where am I going with all of this? I don't know. Random thoughts drift in and out..they take their time...playing pictures in my mind.
My life is not of much worth (this is a fact, this is not a pity party) and certainly not when I stand next to others. This, I need to change. Because I know, and am aware-nothing should be stopping me, not even my past. So, let's see.
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