Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People:
1. You should have been a better parent.
2. Your lies made me want to wish myself away.
3. You're uptight in the name of the Jesus (because you think it's right), but I don't even think he would want you to be that way-so chill, relax a little, you know you want to.
4. I forgive you, but I will never ever forget what you did and because of you, I don't trust anyone at all.
5. I'm sorry for your mom not being there. But I can't continue to forever make up for her mistakes.
6. I don't like your children that much.
7. I don't know what to say to make this better for you.
8. We all know you are a pretty malicious person so I'm not sure why any of us still like you. Maybe we fear you.
9.
10. Why do you love me?
Nine things about myself:
1. I remember absolutely nothing of early childhood, a bit of preteen years, and everything else is muddled mess of experiences until I was about about 17.
2. I can't stand fake people. I'd rather you fucked my lover than talk shit about me behind my back while you're smiling to my face.
3. If I'm giving the evil eye, I'm pretty pissed...and it'll be easy to know.
4. If I'm interested in you, I want to look at your pictures and devour your eyes and wonder what you were feeling when it was taken.
5. Family first, friends second, yourself last-is a phrase that's getting on my nerves.
6. I could live in the water but I'm scared of what's in it.
7. I judge people (not in a bad way really) way too quickly. That I'm usually right is the only redeeming factor. lol
8. I'm a huuuuuuuge people watcher, which is what leads to the judging.
9. I procrastinate way too much. <---Me too.
10. I always wake up. That should be good enough, for right now.
Eight ways to win my heart:
1. Be honest and trustworthy
2. Be loyal and sincere
3. Be generous and compassionate
4. Have a huge personality
5. Make my eyes smile
6. Dance with me
7. Listen and hear
8. Make me want to be better than me
Seven things that cross my mind a lot:
1. Family
2. Problems
3. Solutions
4. Thinking about problems and solutions too much when I should be sleeping
5. People and situations that shouldn't affect me
6. God
7. Rosie O'Donnell
Six things I do before I fall asleep:
1. It's really not all that consistent but...
2. Lock the doors, check the windows
3. Bathroom stuff
4. Sex
5. Bathroom stuff
6. Think...a lot <---Yep
Five people who mean a lot to me:
1. My family
2. My friends
3. My family
4. My friends
5. You get the picture. I can't name just one of each..
Four things you're wearing right now:
1. A pink shirt that says Major Player
2. Black cotton jammy capris
3. Panties
4. Ponytail holder count?
Three songs you listen to often (lately):
1. Come Down Now-Passing Strange
2. Stoney End-Streisand
3. Song to Mia-Lizz Wright
Two things you want to do before you die:
1. Gosh, I don't know. Be right with my mom.
2. Be right with myself so I can be good for everyone else. I guess that could go with the first one.
One confession:
I <3 you. Love.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
Smoking Cessation
So, awhile back I was reading the paper and saw an ad from a medical study place for smokers to quit smoking. I made an appointment and went to a screening to learn more about it. It was basically a blind study to see if certain side effects (nausea, insomnia, depression, anxiety, aggression, thoughts of suicide) occur because of the active ingredient in Chantix (Varenicline) or through the natural process of nicotine withdrawl. One in two people participating in the study had the chance of getting the drug or just a placebo pill. The only people who get to know who has what pill are the sponsors of the study. Until it's completed and then they let everyone know..
In order to even get approved for the study, you have to be relatively healthy (that's ironic, but basically it means not on other medications), relatively sane (haha-but seriously, I had to undergo a pysch evaluation that was SO intrusive), and smoke 10 cigarettes or more a day. Okay, so boom, I passed and was approved. I started on the pill, which I was sure right away was the Chantix because I felt nauseous every time after taking it. Once in the morning, once at night. It's supposed to be taken with food but since I don't eat in the morning and try not to eat after five, I wasn't going to change it just for a pill..
Every day for a month, I had to call this recorded service that would ask me about my mood in 65 different ways. Sad, mad, blue, weary, fatigued, irritated, angry, sympathetic, sorry for things done, ready to fight, miserable, muddled, etc, etc. Answer from 0-4..not at all, a little, moderately, extremely. That was irritating in and of itself. ;-)
So! Two weeks after being on the pill, I and 14 other people in the study checked into the clinic for a paramedic monitored two week stay-the beginning of NO SMOKING. We had a clipboard of our intenirary for moment of every day we spent there and each activity had to be signed. My schedule:
6:15 Wake Up
6:20-7:00 UA (urine analysis to check byproducts of nictoine) and Carbon Monixide Breathalyzer (breathe into this tube that would check how much carbon monixide was in my lungs-I started at 18 and ended at 1!)
7:11 Stand up for Vitals
7:12 Sit for Vitals
7:17 Start Vitals
7:19 Second Vitals
7:22 Feel Check (A Paramedic asks how you're doing)
7:32 Breakfast
7:42 Dose (paramedic gives drug)
8:02-9:00 SAFTEE (paramedic goes through a list of questions to ask how you've been doing the last 24 hours-headache, nausea, night sweats, nightmares, female problems, etc)
9:20 POMS (that recorded thing of moods I mentioned above)
10:00-10:30 Snack
12:45 Lunch
3:20 POMS
4:00-4:30 Snack
7:11 Stand for vitals
7:12 Sit for vitals
7:17 Start vitals
7:22 Feel Check
7:32 Dinner
7:42 Dose
9:20 POMS
10:00-10:30 Snack
12:00 Bedtime
Every day. For two weeks. During the free time you could go to the common areas which were nice, big screen tvs, pool tables, darts, big comfy couches and bean bags, bookshelfs full of mags and books and videos and games, or to the quiet area like the computer rooms. But mainly I stayed in my dorm and either napped, colored, wrote shit or watched movies on the laptop.
About that^^up there? There were 15 of us in this study. 10 guys, 5 women. Guys were put in one dorm, girls in another. That was all good at first because it's a big dorm, there's lots to do and you don't have to put with personality differences too much. But fuck, there was this lady there that was such a fucking bitch. Like crazy lady, no lie. After 2 days of niceness, she was a friggen viper. Luckily, I got sick and got assigned my own dorm, except you're not allowed to sleep alone so I got to choose one of the other girls to come with me. I had fun for the most part and got paid to quit smoking at the same time!
Am I a non smoker? Kind of. I left the clinic on Wednesday and did great all day and on Thursday. But when I went out on Thursday night, I had 4 cigs while I was drinking. But that's REALLY good considering I could smoke half a pack or more in the same amount of time. I didn't smoke any on Friday, but Saturday night I smoked a bit at my friends Dirty Thirty birthday party. I am pretty proud of myself even if I haven't completely quit because I have the mentality of wanting to and plus I am trying really hard even though I still get cravings. I know that the real addiction cravings go away after the third day, everything else after is mental. It's like ghost pain..someone missing a limb might still feel pain there even though there's nothing there. Well, I will still feel cravings even though the chemical additives aren't in my system. I just have to control them because they only last for like, 3 minutes. Plus, I'll be on the pill until June. So, anyway, that was my journey...
Here are a few people who shared it with me and made it fun...
In order to even get approved for the study, you have to be relatively healthy (that's ironic, but basically it means not on other medications), relatively sane (haha-but seriously, I had to undergo a pysch evaluation that was SO intrusive), and smoke 10 cigarettes or more a day. Okay, so boom, I passed and was approved. I started on the pill, which I was sure right away was the Chantix because I felt nauseous every time after taking it. Once in the morning, once at night. It's supposed to be taken with food but since I don't eat in the morning and try not to eat after five, I wasn't going to change it just for a pill..
Every day for a month, I had to call this recorded service that would ask me about my mood in 65 different ways. Sad, mad, blue, weary, fatigued, irritated, angry, sympathetic, sorry for things done, ready to fight, miserable, muddled, etc, etc. Answer from 0-4..not at all, a little, moderately, extremely. That was irritating in and of itself. ;-)
So! Two weeks after being on the pill, I and 14 other people in the study checked into the clinic for a paramedic monitored two week stay-the beginning of NO SMOKING. We had a clipboard of our intenirary for moment of every day we spent there and each activity had to be signed. My schedule:
6:15 Wake Up
6:20-7:00 UA (urine analysis to check byproducts of nictoine) and Carbon Monixide Breathalyzer (breathe into this tube that would check how much carbon monixide was in my lungs-I started at 18 and ended at 1!)
7:11 Stand up for Vitals
7:12 Sit for Vitals
7:17 Start Vitals
7:19 Second Vitals
7:22 Feel Check (A Paramedic asks how you're doing)
7:32 Breakfast
7:42 Dose (paramedic gives drug)
8:02-9:00 SAFTEE (paramedic goes through a list of questions to ask how you've been doing the last 24 hours-headache, nausea, night sweats, nightmares, female problems, etc)
9:20 POMS (that recorded thing of moods I mentioned above)
10:00-10:30 Snack
12:45 Lunch
3:20 POMS
4:00-4:30 Snack
7:11 Stand for vitals
7:12 Sit for vitals
7:17 Start vitals
7:22 Feel Check
7:32 Dinner
7:42 Dose
9:20 POMS
10:00-10:30 Snack
12:00 Bedtime
Every day. For two weeks. During the free time you could go to the common areas which were nice, big screen tvs, pool tables, darts, big comfy couches and bean bags, bookshelfs full of mags and books and videos and games, or to the quiet area like the computer rooms. But mainly I stayed in my dorm and either napped, colored, wrote shit or watched movies on the laptop.
About that^^up there? There were 15 of us in this study. 10 guys, 5 women. Guys were put in one dorm, girls in another. That was all good at first because it's a big dorm, there's lots to do and you don't have to put with personality differences too much. But fuck, there was this lady there that was such a fucking bitch. Like crazy lady, no lie. After 2 days of niceness, she was a friggen viper. Luckily, I got sick and got assigned my own dorm, except you're not allowed to sleep alone so I got to choose one of the other girls to come with me. I had fun for the most part and got paid to quit smoking at the same time!
Am I a non smoker? Kind of. I left the clinic on Wednesday and did great all day and on Thursday. But when I went out on Thursday night, I had 4 cigs while I was drinking. But that's REALLY good considering I could smoke half a pack or more in the same amount of time. I didn't smoke any on Friday, but Saturday night I smoked a bit at my friends Dirty Thirty birthday party. I am pretty proud of myself even if I haven't completely quit because I have the mentality of wanting to and plus I am trying really hard even though I still get cravings. I know that the real addiction cravings go away after the third day, everything else after is mental. It's like ghost pain..someone missing a limb might still feel pain there even though there's nothing there. Well, I will still feel cravings even though the chemical additives aren't in my system. I just have to control them because they only last for like, 3 minutes. Plus, I'll be on the pill until June. So, anyway, that was my journey...
Here are a few people who shared it with me and made it fun...
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